This Too Shall Pass

Today went better than yesterday. I didn't even shed a tear. The underlying sadness is there, but the tears haven't fallen. Maybe it was the fact that I was home all day with the one person that can truly make me happy. Monkey was home all day for the first time since it happened. Thursday he was home, but honestly, as bad as this sounds, I was in a whole different place. I wanted to just sit and cry. I didn't know how to react to what was happening. I researched miscarriage today online. I feel the need to learn everything I can about what happened to me, to the baby. I feel stupid on the message boards, even though there are thousands of women out there that are going through the same thing I am right now. I feel for some reason that I should not grieve as hard as I am , like I am not justified in feeling what I feel. I was only six weeks, and I only knew for a week. Everyone around me is basically telling me that I need to suck it up and move on so that we can try again. I do want to try again. But I want to make sure that I am healed emotionally. I think that I am healed physically. The worst is over, but there is some pain still. I want to make sure that I am in a place that if this ever happens again, I will be in a place that I can handle it, and it won't break me down worse. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Still Grieving

Today I would be seven weeks. My baby would almost be considered a fetus by medical terms. To me, though, it was a baby. I've heard before people talk about abortion, saying that it's ok as long as you do it before eight weeks, because "it's just a ball of cells until then". It's not ok. How can you kill your baby? I wanted this so badly, it's not fair that some women thow this chance away, and others cannot get the chance to even meet their child. My baby should have had a heartbeat. It should have been growing and thriving inside of me. Instead, it was reduced to nothingness, and I am reduced to tears. Often. I hold in the raw emotion around others. But I feel that when I am alone, just God and I, I can start to let go, and know that He is here. Someone wrote something that I found heartening.... something along the lines of, "He didn't make this happen, He allowed it to happen. Family and friends have tried to soothe me with their comforting words, however, "it wasn't meant to be" or " It'll happen when it's time"... are not helpful. I LOST someone. Whether I had met them yet or not, they were a part of me, and I failed. I couldn't carry this baby and I don't even know why. Why is the eternal question. Theydon't know why. I'll never get to know why.

How to Cope?

As you may know, MM and I have been trying for a baby. We had almost lost hope, until this May, I was eleven days late. I was excited and I had a reagular yearly check up scheduled for May 23rd, and we found out May 22nd. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy the next day at his office and told me I was 5 weeks and three days along and my due date was January 18, 2009. We were elated..through the roof. We had many things going on that week, MM went back and got his GED so we had his graduation party and on Thursday we attended his graduation.. we were on cloud 9. Until thursday. We were getting ready for the graduation, and I went up to pee. I looked down, and to my horror, there were two tiny red / brown drops on my panties. So, I freaked, obviously. I calmed myself down, told myself that remember, I had spotted with Monkey and he was carried to 42weeks, he was fine. MM called the doctor right away and he told me to take it easy and come in the next day for an untrasound. We went to the graduation, and then straight home. Everything seemed fine. Then, Friday morning, I woke up and went into the bathroom and there it was.... staring back at me on the pantyliner.... red. Just red. THats all I saw. I guess I sort of knew then.... but I kept telling myself it would be ok, it was ok, it was ok....stay calm. By 2pm, when i was scheduled for the Dr. appt. I knew that it was over. I had lost this baby, or was in the process. We went in, and sat silently until they called my name for the ultrasound. Up until then I had held onto a string of hope.... but when the technician did the ultrasound, there was nothing there. NOTHING. No heartbeat, no tiny blob to let me know I was even pregnant. NOT A THING. I sat up on the table, and blood just came out. I lost it, I was hysterical. The nurse, naturally, couldn't tell me one way or another if I had in fact miscarried. We went to a room, cold, or so it seemed that day. Maybe it was the fact that I had lost something that was so important to me, but it seemed to me that everything around me was wrong. The doctor came in and sort of beat around the bush about it, but basically, yes, I had miscarried and they would have to do blood work to see if my hormone levels decreased, until they were down to 0. The words I think that struck me most were when he said there was no evidence to show I was still pregnant. none. just high hormone levels, but no baby. I was empty. void. nothing there. those words echo in my head.

I never heard a heartbeat, or got to see a sonogram. Never felt the baby move inside of me... never gained a pound. All I had was two lines on a stick covered with pee. Thats all I'll ever have to show that I was pregant. Ever. Two lines on two tests. So, at six weeks, three days, I suddenly became unpregnant. How does that work?! It's hard to cope with that fact.

How do I get back to the place where I'm ok enough to go out in the world without wondering why? Why did I lose this baby!!!??? I don't have any answers, and neither does anyone else. Only God. Only God knows why.