Still Grieving

Today I would be seven weeks. My baby would almost be considered a fetus by medical terms. To me, though, it was a baby. I've heard before people talk about abortion, saying that it's ok as long as you do it before eight weeks, because "it's just a ball of cells until then". It's not ok. How can you kill your baby? I wanted this so badly, it's not fair that some women thow this chance away, and others cannot get the chance to even meet their child. My baby should have had a heartbeat. It should have been growing and thriving inside of me. Instead, it was reduced to nothingness, and I am reduced to tears. Often. I hold in the raw emotion around others. But I feel that when I am alone, just God and I, I can start to let go, and know that He is here. Someone wrote something that I found heartening.... something along the lines of, "He didn't make this happen, He allowed it to happen. Family and friends have tried to soothe me with their comforting words, however, "it wasn't meant to be" or " It'll happen when it's time"... are not helpful. I LOST someone. Whether I had met them yet or not, they were a part of me, and I failed. I couldn't carry this baby and I don't even know why. Why is the eternal question. Theydon't know why. I'll never get to know why.