How to Cope?

As you may know, MM and I have been trying for a baby. We had almost lost hope, until this May, I was eleven days late. I was excited and I had a reagular yearly check up scheduled for May 23rd, and we found out May 22nd. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy the next day at his office and told me I was 5 weeks and three days along and my due date was January 18, 2009. We were elated..through the roof. We had many things going on that week, MM went back and got his GED so we had his graduation party and on Thursday we attended his graduation.. we were on cloud 9. Until thursday. We were getting ready for the graduation, and I went up to pee. I looked down, and to my horror, there were two tiny red / brown drops on my panties. So, I freaked, obviously. I calmed myself down, told myself that remember, I had spotted with Monkey and he was carried to 42weeks, he was fine. MM called the doctor right away and he told me to take it easy and come in the next day for an untrasound. We went to the graduation, and then straight home. Everything seemed fine. Then, Friday morning, I woke up and went into the bathroom and there it was.... staring back at me on the pantyliner.... red. Just red. THats all I saw. I guess I sort of knew then.... but I kept telling myself it would be ok, it was ok, it was ok....stay calm. By 2pm, when i was scheduled for the Dr. appt. I knew that it was over. I had lost this baby, or was in the process. We went in, and sat silently until they called my name for the ultrasound. Up until then I had held onto a string of hope.... but when the technician did the ultrasound, there was nothing there. NOTHING. No heartbeat, no tiny blob to let me know I was even pregnant. NOT A THING. I sat up on the table, and blood just came out. I lost it, I was hysterical. The nurse, naturally, couldn't tell me one way or another if I had in fact miscarried. We went to a room, cold, or so it seemed that day. Maybe it was the fact that I had lost something that was so important to me, but it seemed to me that everything around me was wrong. The doctor came in and sort of beat around the bush about it, but basically, yes, I had miscarried and they would have to do blood work to see if my hormone levels decreased, until they were down to 0. The words I think that struck me most were when he said there was no evidence to show I was still pregnant. none. just high hormone levels, but no baby. I was empty. void. nothing there. those words echo in my head.

I never heard a heartbeat, or got to see a sonogram. Never felt the baby move inside of me... never gained a pound. All I had was two lines on a stick covered with pee. Thats all I'll ever have to show that I was pregant. Ever. Two lines on two tests. So, at six weeks, three days, I suddenly became unpregnant. How does that work?! It's hard to cope with that fact.

How do I get back to the place where I'm ok enough to go out in the world without wondering why? Why did I lose this baby!!!??? I don't have any answers, and neither does anyone else. Only God. Only God knows why.