This Too Shall Pass

Today went better than yesterday. I didn't even shed a tear. The underlying sadness is there, but the tears haven't fallen. Maybe it was the fact that I was home all day with the one person that can truly make me happy. Monkey was home all day for the first time since it happened. Thursday he was home, but honestly, as bad as this sounds, I was in a whole different place. I wanted to just sit and cry. I didn't know how to react to what was happening. I researched miscarriage today online. I feel the need to learn everything I can about what happened to me, to the baby. I feel stupid on the message boards, even though there are thousands of women out there that are going through the same thing I am right now. I feel for some reason that I should not grieve as hard as I am , like I am not justified in feeling what I feel. I was only six weeks, and I only knew for a week. Everyone around me is basically telling me that I need to suck it up and move on so that we can try again. I do want to try again. But I want to make sure that I am healed emotionally. I think that I am healed physically. The worst is over, but there is some pain still. I want to make sure that I am in a place that if this ever happens again, I will be in a place that I can handle it, and it won't break me down worse. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Still Grieving

Today I would be seven weeks. My baby would almost be considered a fetus by medical terms. To me, though, it was a baby. I've heard before people talk about abortion, saying that it's ok as long as you do it before eight weeks, because "it's just a ball of cells until then". It's not ok. How can you kill your baby? I wanted this so badly, it's not fair that some women thow this chance away, and others cannot get the chance to even meet their child. My baby should have had a heartbeat. It should have been growing and thriving inside of me. Instead, it was reduced to nothingness, and I am reduced to tears. Often. I hold in the raw emotion around others. But I feel that when I am alone, just God and I, I can start to let go, and know that He is here. Someone wrote something that I found heartening.... something along the lines of, "He didn't make this happen, He allowed it to happen. Family and friends have tried to soothe me with their comforting words, however, "it wasn't meant to be" or " It'll happen when it's time"... are not helpful. I LOST someone. Whether I had met them yet or not, they were a part of me, and I failed. I couldn't carry this baby and I don't even know why. Why is the eternal question. Theydon't know why. I'll never get to know why.

How to Cope?

As you may know, MM and I have been trying for a baby. We had almost lost hope, until this May, I was eleven days late. I was excited and I had a reagular yearly check up scheduled for May 23rd, and we found out May 22nd. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy the next day at his office and told me I was 5 weeks and three days along and my due date was January 18, 2009. We were elated..through the roof. We had many things going on that week, MM went back and got his GED so we had his graduation party and on Thursday we attended his graduation.. we were on cloud 9. Until thursday. We were getting ready for the graduation, and I went up to pee. I looked down, and to my horror, there were two tiny red / brown drops on my panties. So, I freaked, obviously. I calmed myself down, told myself that remember, I had spotted with Monkey and he was carried to 42weeks, he was fine. MM called the doctor right away and he told me to take it easy and come in the next day for an untrasound. We went to the graduation, and then straight home. Everything seemed fine. Then, Friday morning, I woke up and went into the bathroom and there it was.... staring back at me on the pantyliner.... red. Just red. THats all I saw. I guess I sort of knew then.... but I kept telling myself it would be ok, it was ok, it was ok....stay calm. By 2pm, when i was scheduled for the Dr. appt. I knew that it was over. I had lost this baby, or was in the process. We went in, and sat silently until they called my name for the ultrasound. Up until then I had held onto a string of hope.... but when the technician did the ultrasound, there was nothing there. NOTHING. No heartbeat, no tiny blob to let me know I was even pregnant. NOT A THING. I sat up on the table, and blood just came out. I lost it, I was hysterical. The nurse, naturally, couldn't tell me one way or another if I had in fact miscarried. We went to a room, cold, or so it seemed that day. Maybe it was the fact that I had lost something that was so important to me, but it seemed to me that everything around me was wrong. The doctor came in and sort of beat around the bush about it, but basically, yes, I had miscarried and they would have to do blood work to see if my hormone levels decreased, until they were down to 0. The words I think that struck me most were when he said there was no evidence to show I was still pregnant. none. just high hormone levels, but no baby. I was empty. void. nothing there. those words echo in my head.

I never heard a heartbeat, or got to see a sonogram. Never felt the baby move inside of me... never gained a pound. All I had was two lines on a stick covered with pee. Thats all I'll ever have to show that I was pregant. Ever. Two lines on two tests. So, at six weeks, three days, I suddenly became unpregnant. How does that work?! It's hard to cope with that fact.

How do I get back to the place where I'm ok enough to go out in the world without wondering why? Why did I lose this baby!!!??? I don't have any answers, and neither does anyone else. Only God. Only God knows why.

Make Room for More......

We are in the process of getting full custody of MM's two boys. They are six and eight years old... two boys that he had from a previous relationship. Their mother (don't even get me started...) gave them to the state three years ago. MM had a job as an over the road truck driver and was in South Carolina and couldn't get to Ohio in time for the hearing, so the boys went into temporary custody with the mother's boyfriend's aunt. Yeah. I know. Confusing???? Yeah. So this woman is no relation to the boys, at all. But, see, she gets help from the government, plus child support from MM and his ex-girlfriend. So, this woman is pretty set each month. And, now that MM has shown interest in full custody, they have let it be know that they are NOT having it. He just had to go to court to get court ordered visitation with them, bc the woman (lets call her B... for obvious reasons) says MM can't see the boys without court order now. GRRRRR......

My home will grow from just Monkey and Me a year and a half ago to a house full.... Me, Monkey, Milk Man, the two boys and we are trying for another baby, so add one more kid!! Yeah. From two to SIX! Thats a big change.... bear with me here.. lol.

There are alot of changes that come with new kids. Another bedroom, more laundry, more groceries, ect. But, also.... there's alot of love to go out. That sounds bad. But for the last three years, it has been all about Monkey. Everyhing revolved around my child. It stilldoes... but bringing in two (possibly three) new kids... he's going to have to adjust to sharing more than just his toys. He's always had my undivided attention. He's never had to share Mommy. That will be hard, both for him and for me.

I guess at the end of the day, there's always enough love togo around.. but how does your heart grow that big? When he was born, it felt as though my heart would BURST, bc it was soooo full of love . How do you love so many people with only one heart?

A new Dog, A new Day

Yesterday we got a new puppy. This would be exciting news if you didn't know us. See, I have tried this whole dog thing before...didn't go so well.... I am definantly a cat person. I have a cat named Kiki and she and I see eye to eye. I feed and water her, give her attention when she wants it, and she returns the favor by going about her day doing her cat thing,...by herself. A dog, however, requires attention, ALOT of attention, walking.... things that I just do not want to do. But, MM has decided that now that I am a stay at home mom, I am also delegated to be the stay at home dog walker, feeder, attention giver. So we have a new puppy. My ever so creative Monkey named him (what else?) DIEGO. Yes, after the animal rescuer. yeah. so, if you happen to be outside at 5am, and hear a woman yelling a fictional character's name.. that'd be me, pleading with the puppy to PLEASE HURRY UP AND PEE, bc its COLD out here.

But, to be fair, he is ADORABLE! And, he is not high maintainence like the other two puppies were. He lays around, andwhines when he's gotta go out. So, all in all, he's a keeper.... i hope.

Anybody out there?

Again with the Myspace. It's irritating. Really. I cannot get onto my homepage, and I'm about to freak out on TOM.. (the site's originator or whatever..) ok. So, maybe I'm a little too obsessed with Myspace, and thats why my bedroom is not an oasis.. its more like a place to stash everything so that my downstairs looks like I actually DO something all day insead of sit on this damn computer... hehe. Don't tell MM, he thinks I work hard here at home. I take that back. Sometimes I do things. Hell, just the other day I re-organized the kitchen....um.... all the stuff I didnt know where to stash found a new home in the basement.. but, hey the kitchen looks lik we justed moved in!

So, my friends/neighbors/SM are doing a Biggest Loser competition. Yeah. And was SOOOO motivated at first, about two weeks ago. Not so much now. There are six of us, Me, my fiance, my neighbors/friends Mike and Jen, our neighbor Andrea and SM (aka my arch nemisis.. lol). I could care less who loses what as long as I lose more than Jessica (SM). oh yeah, people. I am that shallow I don't know what this fixation with her is. I don't want my EXH back, by any means. And, she is a realllllly nice person. She adores Monkey. She's been in his life since he was eight months old. This woman has done no wrong... but for whatever reason, I want to compete with her on every level. I want to be a better wife, a better mother, weigh less, eat less, excersize more.... its a real motivator though, when she's neck in neck with me!!!! She weighs only TWO pounds more. Yeah, we're that technical. We are going by percentage of weightloss. I am in second place, and **yeah** MM is in first!

I still cannot figure out if anyone can ACTUALLY read this, so if you can, leave a comment so I know, lol.... thats all I ask. haha

All the rage... Pooping in Payless

So today was a rather irritating day. My interne connection is killing me. I am a myspace freak. I couldn't get on all day, then finally to my udder joy... I got on... only to find out that there was NOTHING interesting. I, like everyone else on there, am a myspace stalker. I check ot my neighbor's page, my ex husband's page, and religiously check my son's step mother's page... for anything to add joy to my day. Like, oh... say, a really bad picture so that I can rest assured that I am better in so many ways. That was harsh. I don't mean better... I mean better suited for my ex husband. Ohhhhh. no. We've been down that road, it isn't going to work with us.. he's a liar and a cheat. But, for my own selfish pleasure, I like to think that he pines away for me. What? You don't believe me?? lol.

Luckily, I have my fiance. A man that actually loves me. As opposed to my EXH (ex husband). Yes, my fiance (MM). Well, depends on who you ask.... see.. he's still planning the who proposal thing.. again. It's a funny thig. I have a ring on my finger.. a ring that was supposed to be a "promise ring" until he informed everyone (to my suprise) that we were getting married! We were engaged.... soooo. If thats what you call a proposal. We were in the mall parking lot.. in the CAR. oh. yeah. I'm not kidding You can't make this stuff up!He had his little speech about how this an engagement ring.... and then...BAM!! All of a sudden, he's running around telling ppl we are engaged. So, he felt bad, I guess, either that or my insisting on it.. haha.. he's devised a cunning suprise. So he thinks. I've figured him out. He asks too many questions. So, I won;t be suprised, like I thought I would.

We're going away this weekend. Monkey is going to his dad's (EXH) tomorrow night. I hate that he goes every weekend, most kid go everyother weekend... but I try to tell myself it's not about what I want.. its about what's best for him. He gets to see his siblings... EXH has three other children.. a daughter from a relationship before we were married (almost 5), then there's our Monkey (3)....then two children with his now wife...(SM) they are 18 months and 3 months. Yeah, he moves quickly, people. Don't ask.

Monkey has been sick this week. I'm not sure what is going on. He's sick, then he's better, then he's sick.. ect. Sunday he threw up and had diarhea, and all week long he's had a bellyache.. some diarhea, OMG! I almost forgot...

My story of the WEEK! We had a time, let me tell you.. on Monday. We had to go to court for a visitation hearing for MM's boys. He finally gets visitations with them again, after a few years.. (yeah, long story.. their mother gave them to the state and MM was in another state at the time... couldn't get them... got into trouble.. long story..) SO, to kill time before we had to be at the courthouse, we went to the mall. Monkey and I were in Payless Shoes, and MM went to the sporting goods store. Well, like I said bfore, Monkey has had a bit of diarhea this week. Soooo. Yeah. We were standing there in the aisle, and heard him go, "uhhhhh....mommy?" Yes, people. He crapped all down his legs, onto his shoes, onto the carpet. He was NOT impressed. See, he's finally gotten to a point in potty training where he wears his underwear, and he knows when he has togo, he hasn't had an accident in over a month, and he didn't understand where this came from!!! He didn;t know it was coming! He was so upset... poor guy. So, the nice sales lady offered to let us use the employee bathroom (as opposed to what? stand there and look stupid with a three year old covered in poop???!! Of COURSE I want to use the restroom!) So, I called MM to come assist me and get the extra clothes I had remembered to bring ( thank GOD!). He started YELLING at me!!! OMG I was so beyond needing this... so I hung up on him! Oh, needless to sa, we created our own little special family moment right there in the Payless bathroom. Him yelling at me for hanging up, me trying to clean up a half naked little boy, and poor Monkey.. just standing there, upset and confused. I told MM NOT to yell... about anyhting, bc Monkey would think he was upset about the situation (ie. poop in public). oh, what a day. We eventually got him cleaned up, thanked the lovely saff and went on our way. FUN, FUN. Let me tell you.

OOOOOhhhhh. And that was just the beginning of a crappy week. Thank God we are getting away this weekend. Between MM working on average, 120+ hrs. in two weeks, and my trying to organize the house (who's bright idea was that anyway???) Life's been hectic. Oh, gambling taek me away. Atleast for the weekend!!!!